So, here I am.

So, here I am. It has been a pretty emotionally unstable week altogether, today being the worst yet. Rachel left on Saturday to start things off, and then I decided that I would fast and pray for her and the team while they are down in South Africa. This has put me into emotional mess because I am weak and miss food first of all, but also because my body has been deprived and is running on nothing. Then, to make today the messiest of them all, I got little sleep, had my one on one with Rick and then watched a half dozen testimonies of God changing lives. My insides are a mess.

As I watched each of the videos from IAmSecond.com, I longed for something. Each of the people in the videos spook with such freedom and confidence, not fearing who heard their story and what hurt would ensue. They told stories of how they had trusted God and overcome conflict. God became bigger than their problems... Stories of reconciled divorce, confidence in Christ, redemption from sexual addiction and so many others. I watched at least three videos about men who lost their fathers when they were younger and had lives transformed by Christ. Through their pain, struggle and addiction Christ came out only more glorious at the end.

They each talked about how the pain and emptiness surrounded them, overwhelming them. Invoking them to take their own life at times to relieve themselves of the emptiness that they found themselves in. As each story progressed, each person tried to fix it themselves and it never worked. Only when they began to trust in God - Christ - did anything positive happen. Their lives turned around. Not easy, not fast. But God was working in them and redeeming them back to Himself for his own purpose.

What got me though, as a watched video after video, was the fact they would cry. They could cry. I wish I could cry. I want to cry so often. They had such freedom in Christ and such disregard for themselves that their own lives were just a tapestry for God to paint a picture or write a story. They held complete confidence in Christ, that they would open their lives knowing He was writing a greater story in their lives. A story with trust and joy.

Even though I often think of crying as a sign of weakness, I often long to express it. I am weak, very weak.
I keep an outward exposure, but inward I am so broken I.... I don't know what I even think.... Answering the simple question "how are you?" throws me for loops because of the inward/outward contrast of how I really am doing. Even as I write this I wish I could cry to release, but my body just won't let me.

This past weekend at Church the pastor talked about the body and the soul. I honestly remember very little about the whole sermon, but I do remember my friend lighting up at something. The pastor said something to the effect of, "we normally think of people as bodies with a soul, but I want to challenge you to think of people as souls suck in a body" This stuck my friend hard, and yet I remained unmoved. Not only was I disengaged, but I didn't really understand the significance of such a statement. I thought it was just another gimmick to get people to live on mission (nothing wrong with it, but that what I though it was). I pushed aside until earlier today when I realized what I was.

I am a soul stuck in a body. My life longs to be redeemed and brought into a nearness with Christ. My very self desires to find satisfaction and joy in knowing Christ as the people in the videos did. My spirit wants to be united with Christ's in perfect relationship. Oh, how my soul longs for that kind of relationship where we have perfect relationships... I want that so badly... yet.

Yet I am stuck in the shell of a body that constrains me. Selfishness and pride overwhelm me and I am left blind. I want to cry out to God, yet my body resist and demands that I "hold it together". The lies continue, "don't draw attention to yourself", "You will only hurt more", "You cannot trust them, they will just tell people and embarrass you - weak". And they continue. Lie after lie about who I am not. Lies that I have to save myself. That I have to be strong. That I have to be my own savior and god....

I posted a quote earlier today on Facebook, "What if the great joy comes through our greatest pain?" What if that is true... I know that it is. I have experience the greatest amounts of joy on the others sides of great struggle or pain. So what is it? What is that pain that I am being enslaved to? What burden am I carrying that I think is a shield? Where is my area of pride that I just cannot let go?

I strange illustration, but it might work....
I am like a turtle. I have this protective shell around me that keeps me safe. I think I am free to move and roam around as I please. I am safe in my shell and I am content with my lifestyle, I am doing alright.

But is this really freedom? Stuck carrying around a heavy burden does not sound like freedom to me. Time to lose the shell!

But it protects me!? I could get hurt without it, or even die!

Yeah, and you could live your entire lives in mediocrity without experiencing true joy that comes through freedom. You will never feel, and so you will never feel passion to it's full extent. You are always worried about getting hurt, and so you will never experience the overwhelming.... all surpassing joy and glory that comes through pain. You want to save your life, silly turtle, but really you are wasting it. You choose to save your life and you will lose it. But if you would risk all, open your life to Christ and what He offers, then you will experience life. Life as it was meant to be lived. Naked and without shame.

Okay, but this shell is part of me. I cannot just take it off. It would have to be broken or ripped off, and even then I would likely die. I know for sure it would at least hurt.

Exactly. Life comes through death.

You are telling me I have to experience unbelievable pain, comparable to being skinned alive and risk everything. Even my own life. And, perhaps I do live through this and lose the shell of my pride, what then? I am naked?! I will die.

I know. Crazy, right?

Is it worth it? The pain, the risk and likely your own life. Is it worth it to experience a moment of joy and freedom?

And that is where I am left. I am stuck at the question of whether it is worth it. I am like the turtle who wants to experience the freedom of losing the shell, but not wishing to experience the pain. Yet the truth is, the joy comes through the pain, not just when we remove the shell.

God, I want to experience the great joy of fully knowing you and living life "naked without shame" but I am so afraid of what will happen. I want to lose this burdensome shell, but I can't manage to take it off myself. I will back-out if I try and do it myself. I need you to break it from me, I cannot even do that myself. My soul longs for you, Lord. I want that perfect relationship. I know that I cannot remove this thing between us, I am asking you too. I know that it will hurt more than anything else I have ever experience before and I will fight you to quit. Don't let me. Like Christ going to Calvary, I will ask not to go or ask if there is another way. Please put it into my heart to say "Not my will, but Yours, Lord!" I will probably hate you, so please forgive me. Keep my eyes looking toward Christ, the author and perfecter of my faith who also endured the cross. I want to be like Him. I want to be with Him. I don't know what that means or how to get there, but that is where I want to go. Take me there, Lord.

So, here I am.

Blessings from a pilgrim in progress.
Later

In the Garden.

My brothers and I went to work this week. We have amazing jobs, working for this excellent friend of ours at church. On Fridays, she has us come to her house. I am the "maid", so I work inside most of the time. My brothers, being the strapping, strong guys that they are, work outside.
Last week, she asked us all to work outside and help her with her garden. Our friend has a beautiful house on a beautiful piece of land, and one of my favorite things about her home is her beautifully tended garden.
That week she'd ordered a load of mulch and a load of dirt to be delivered to her home, and she asked my brothers and I to come, and to help her dig out all of the rocks and weeds that were underneath her garden and then to put new dirt on top, and new mulch on top of that.
So, we went to work on Friday morning.
It was a beautiful day outside... about seventy degrees. It was sunny, bright, and beautiful. Perfect for working outside.
So, for about three and a half straight hours, we worked. My brothers were responsible for loading the dirt and bringing it to us, and the boss and I took turns working the huge rocks and weeds out of the ground. It was a lot harder swinging a pick ax for three hours than I thought it would be.
My boss and I were talking and she told me that gardening, to her, was relaxing. She loved to go outside and work in her garden, because it gave her peace and it calmed her spirit. I thought that was pretty neat and responded by telling her that doing the dishes is what did it for me.
She then said "It also has many spiritual applications," and she commenced in telling me about all the spiritual lessons to be learned from such a simple task: gardening.
Christ's death has made us beautiful. We flourish and bloom because of what He has done for us. He feeds us daily and shines upon us, and we grow in Him because of His tender care. Because of His care, we can tend to ourselves, by staying faithful and continually drinking from His word. But when we neglect Him... and when we don't "tend" to our struggles, that is when the weeds come in and choke us. The deep roots steal the water and nutrition we need to grow and the rocks choke us out. That's when we start to wither and perish.
It is only when we let Christ tend to us, like we were all tending to her garden... that's when we truly see the growth. And that is why we need Him most... to keep out the sin, and to guide us as we flourish. To become beautiful, because He makes us beautiful.

Fulfillment in Christ

With the help of good preaching and the holy spirit, I had a thought that I would like to share with you.

One of the youth pastors at my church, Joe, talked on "over-coming temptation" and used the temptation of Christ as a model. We looked at how each of the temptations that Christ faced is routed back to different desires that everyone faces. The desires such as food, acceptance, power, and ultimately pride of life - a good and happy life.

As the talk continued and Joe gave more examples, I made a connection. As obvious as it was, I found it very interesting at the time. That is, all of our depravities are fulfilled in Christ. Stated another way, all that we inherited from walking away from God, we receive when we come to Christ.

Let me explain. I want to be accepted. So I will often show off, make poor choices and hang around with the "cool kids" so others will accept me. They might, they might not. Even if they do, that desire for acceptance won't be fulfilled. Yet Christ says, "Come to me all of you who are weary..." We have acceptance in Christ.

Another one, love. Girls and guys both want to give and receive love. I have looked for that in a girlfriend, best friends, and a lot of other places. There is a longing to be cherished and to care for someone as well. I have even thought, if I could just get that girl to date me, then I would be happy. The reality is that we are to love Christ and Christ loves us. That depravity is cared for in the character of Christ.

And the list goes on. Every area of our depravity is completed in the character of Christ. Forgiveness, justice, peaces, love, acceptance, joy, etc. Just think of the area in your life, that thing you want more than anything. I'll bet you my college loans that they can find fulfillment in Christ.

My big one is independence. I don't want to need anyone else. At the core, I have this desire to be able to do things on my own and be self-reliant. I think that relying on other people is weak or something, and so I will often push people away. Yet Christ, who is truly self-reliant shows me two things. First, independence is weak, not the other way around. Second, Christ shows his true power as he relies on the Father for power.

Like I said, I always knew that that Christ fulfills our depravity, but I never realized it in a practical setting. That the desires we have, such as love and acceptance, are the very things that Christ wants to fulfill in our lives. The same desires that lead us toward sin and rebellion against God, can be found in the person of Christ.

Later

Press On To Know God

I recently just finished reading through Hosea. In it God talks a lot about His people turning away and forsaking Him for false gods which will ultimately result in their ruin. God warns them of what will happen if they continue in their rebellion, but in chapter 6 Hosea gives an amazing admonition to Israel. "Come, let us return to the LORD. For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. He will revive us...that we may live before Him. So let us know, let us press on to know the LORD." (Hosea 6:1-3)

Even after all the evil Israel had done, God still offers mercy through Hosea's call. But what I find so intriguing is the last part. Hosea says, "Let us press on to know the LORD." You see, that was Israel's root problem in all their other sins; they did not press on to know the Lord. They wanted to know something else, not God. But knowing all these other things leads to death, but knowing God is eternal life! (John 17:3)

This made me think about the Christian life we live. We say we know God, but are we pressing on to know Him. Being a Christian is not just something you do once in your life where you pray for Jesus to come into your heart. A Christian, a person who truly has eternal life is someone who knows God! That is why Jesus came, to give us eternal life, which is knowing Him!

But so many times we get so overloaded in our lives that we fail to press on in knowing God. We rely on our past encounters to sustain us. But if we do that then we will find that we will slowly drift away. Hosea (and God) cried out to Israel to not do this. I think we should listen to their cry as well. Don't just sit down and do nothing in your spiritual life...press on to know God! Read, Pray, Serve, give yourself fully to Him! Don't let your life get so cluttered with everything else that you forget Him. Thirst and yearn for Him, because He satisfies! Spend time with your Lord, for in His presence is fullness of joy! It is hard work, but it is so worth it! Press on to know the LORD!

Thinking about this blog

I got an email a few days ago about this blog. Said that it had not been posted on in a long time - very true statement. The question that I have now is, what am I supposed to do with this blog. I want to use it to encourage other believers and help them to become more like the person of Christ. Just like Ephesians 4:16, bring people together to help people grow together to be like Christ. Some problems that I am facing with this idea: people are in different locations, with their own ideas and agendas for their lives. How do I bring all these people together and best help them? I think this is a question that a lot of churches face, too. Countless books have been written on the subject, conferences planned, events promoted, etc. Is this blog going to be any different, is it going to accomplish any more than those? Anyways, enough about that. I have recently started to memorize scripture again. It is one of those things that you don't realize how much you needed it until you start doing it. I remember their being great value in memorizing the bible, but I didn't know how much. It is so great to have parts of God's word with me wherever I go and whenever I need them. The disciples said that Jesus along had the words to life, and I couldn't agree more. In a sense, I have found life in His words. My passion for Christ and for the Gospel is refreshed and I have a newness in me because of Christ's words. I would encourage everyone to memorize at least a few verses. But you won't stop there, you will want more. The soul will want more of Christ, the flesh will grow weary and weak. I have dealt with this concept the last couple of days as I have just gotten tired of the work involved in memorizing and in pursuing Christ. It is a fight every day to get up and spend time in His word and to learn more about Him. It is worth it, but it is a fight. So choose with me this day whom you will serve? Will you be dead to the flesh or to Christ? Who will you serve? As for me, as best as I know how, I will serve the Lord. And when I don't, I trust his grace to be sufficient for me. Blessings from a pilgrim Later

Is God calling?

Last week, our pastor gave a sermon on the third commandment: "You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain."
He gave alot of reasons how we can take God's name "in vain", but one of the ones that stuck out to me was this:

We can take God's name in vain by using it as an excuse.

So we can be going on a mission trip to gain the glory for ourselves, but we say "God called me to do this." You can get into an argument and in order to get out of it, you can say "I felt God was telling me to do this." There are SO many ways that we can use God as an excuse. So many ways that we can just "casually" throw His glorious and holy and worthy name into conversation. We use our Savior as an excuse. We use His name flippantly.

So when we say that God is calling us to do something for His glory, are we really meaning what we say? Do we really think God is calling us for a greater purpose? What is it He really has planned?
This has been something I've been learning... I feel very often, especially after prayer, a tug to do something for the Lord. But I have, I'll admit, and still can get so caught up in working that I forget that it is all for HIM. It is all for the glory of my Savior... every breath. Every movement, every new day is from Christ.

So, when we feel or when we say that God is calling, let's make sure that He IS. And let's make sure that we do all for the glory of Christ.

Stories

At the church that I am interning at, we are going through a series called "Stories." It is what you might think it is, people telling their stories, or stories from the bible. The stories are about how individuals came to meet Jesus and trust in His grace. The outline of a story is this : Before Jesus, meeting Jesus, after Jesus. Today I want to share my story. Anyone else is welcome to share their story also.

Before I met Jesus I lived for my own pleasures and fulfillment. I did what I thought was right in my own eyes, never considering the feelings or rights of others. Even as a kid I did what I wanted and I didn't let others stand in my way. I was out to get the most out of life. I was rebellious to my parents and to authority. I listened if it gave pleasure or prevented displeasure. My life was about me and what I wanted from it. A story that I always remember when talking about my life before meeting Jesus is when I was about 6 years old. My mom saw me playing near the window and I said “Oh my god” she immediately told me not to say that, told me that it was wrong. Then I, being the rebellious 6 year old that I was waited until she was out of ear shot and said it to myself for the pleasure of disobedience. right after that the window pinched my finger. I thought to myself, “God punished me for disobeying my parents.” even at age 6, its a story that I will always remember.

In most of these situations that I acted out, I was well aware of what I was doing. I knew that I could get what I wanted if I complained long and hard enough. I disobeyed God and purposefully broke His standards; I disregarded my parents and yelled at my siblings because it gave me temporary pleasure. I did anything to find or obtain satisfaction, even for a moment. Yet, every time I looked for pleasure outside of God I only felt less satisfied and more empty.

That all changed when God stepped into the picture. God did not want that life for me. God desired to give me a life that I had never experienced filled with joy, peace and satisfaction in Him. God brought a guy named Caleb into my life to listen to my story. Not only that, but he shared his story and ultimately God's story, which eventually changed my story. When Caleb and I talked, we mostly talked about spiritual matters. I was torn after our conversations. I wanted this God he kept talking about, but I still wanted the life of pleasure I had. I wanted the satisfaction of following Jesus and the pleasure of living for myself.

Caleb invited me to hear him share his story and at that point I broke down. Caleb shared how he surrendered his life to Christ and the freedom he now has. I wanted that. I didn't want to be chained to my own pleasure any more. I wanted to be free. I broke down and started to cry over my own failure and sins. I started to cry out to God.

I did not change overnight. I didn't give up all my sins that night when I met God. At age 13, I didn't know anything when I started following Christ. But I felt a new sense of peace that I didn't have before. I began to give rather than take, and I didn't know why. I no longer fought for what I wanted; instead I fought to keep peace in the situation. God’s work in me has been a long process. I have not arrived yet, I still have a long way to go, but God is leading me through His Spirit. I am satisfied when I follow him and find greater pleasure than I thought possible by following His will.